I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
