hotel room ftw
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
