I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We left the knife in your bed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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