My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
