I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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