My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
