i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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