I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
