I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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