I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
