I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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