jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
