He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
