ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
