Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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