eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize