My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm like, not good at living.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
