I think my fart just growled at me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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