I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
