if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
