There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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