drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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