11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize