I faked an abortion last night.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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