Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
