Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
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