I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
