i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
