we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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