After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
