y did u give ur computer a hand job?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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