Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
A bitchslap is in order.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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