Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
