I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
