You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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