Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
