You can't motorboat a personality
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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