well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize