The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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