dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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