I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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