Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
