A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
