I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
