did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
