I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
