Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
