Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
