It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize