Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
