I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
