This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
