I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
