Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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