my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
