I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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