Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
