i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
